Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize