you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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