After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You may now shotgun with the bride
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
