I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
