That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
