I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
