um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
