a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
