if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
