after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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