If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
