hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
