I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
