My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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