Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
