My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
