If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
