I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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