Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
