I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
