So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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