I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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