we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
