you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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