Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This is the high leading the old right now
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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