I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
