I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
