I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
