U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
