Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
