Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
