Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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