I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
