he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just cropdusted the office
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
