Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
