We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
