If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
