New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
