yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
