first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize