you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
