I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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