i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
