You don't have asthma, your pregnant
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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