He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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