Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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