I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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