he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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