Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
