There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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