just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
