So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
