need another drink. this is the easiest way
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Every concussion has its silver lining
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
