the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
