Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
