Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
