Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
