That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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