Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize