i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I wish there were birth control emojis
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
