dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
