I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
