she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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