I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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