a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize